This was published this two years ago, but apparently some folks didn't get the message!
As I often preach to the captive audience in my mini-van: No matter how rich, famous, smart or talented you are, people judge whether they like you based on your manners. Politicians and Hollywood constantly provide examples to illustrate my point. Even though outrageous behavior and rudeness gain attention, I think respect creates stronger long-term relationships, and solves more problems.
While exercising the right to free speech, many people need to think about how they use words. Offensive comments do not contribute to productive dialogue - they create verbal walls. If you really want me to accept your position, you must first be polite and consider my point of view.
My daughters learned this lesson in their Montessori kindergarten. Mrs. White introduced the “peace feather” during her unit on Native Americans. When my child was bothered by a classmate’s behavior, she grabbed the peace feather. While holding it, she could explain the issue and the classmate had to listen. Then she handed the feather to the classmate, and listened to the opposing side of the story. Calm discussion helps children hear each other and find a peaceful solution to their problems.
Maria Montessori invented this ceremony to help her classroom of individual learners function without constant turf battles. Young peacemakers internalize the practice of verbalizing problems and listening to both sides of issues. Roses, candles and peace poles have substituted for the feather, but teachers avoid giving “adult attention” to the process. Children are inspiring and proud when they work things out by themselves.
Desperate to help her two rambunctious boys get along, my friend created a ‘peace table’ at home. Instead of fighting (as much), her three and five year olds would grab their peace candle, take turns airing their grievances, say “sorry,” and announce, “We declay da peas!” (We declare the peace.) The boys greatly enjoyed the ceremony, and thought of new arguments so they could make more peace treaties. Mom’s intervention was no longer required to prevent bloodshed.
Our children have learned that peacemaking is not a passive activity and it never ends. Problems in our world always need attention. People step on toes and cut in line on the playground, in the workplace, in schools, in our government, and between nations. Adults approaching conflicts might emulate Montessori children. Most of us could use help talking calmly about issues, listening, ‘saying sorry’ if we have hurt someone, and finding solutions together that suit everyone. As Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “True peace is not merely the absence of tension; it is the presence of justice.”
As a PTA leader, I try to remember peacemaking skills when supporting our schools. It is often important to call attention to things that can be improved in schools, but because there are so many issues, we have to be considerate of the staff and elected officials with whom we are working. Using ‘diplomatic advocacy,’ I try to initiate ‘productive, community-building dialogue,’ as recommended by News and Record columnist, David Noer.
The peacemaking skills learned by our children and parents can be used in many areas where we want to improve our community. Perhaps extending a feather would even help our local and national politicians declare peace.
