In the Home from the
Sea episode of the 1980s series Magnum
PI, Tom Selleck spends many hours abandoned, treading water in the Pacific. He
is stressed, but buoyed by memories of his father teaching him to swim. Then
the shark starts circling.
“If you give funny names to the things that scare you,” he remembers his father saying, “then they won’t be half so scary.”
So, Tom names the shark Herman.
He talks to the shark, jokes with the shark, yells at the shark, and doesn’t panic. The shark is curious, but doesn’t attack. Tom miraculously survives, is
rescued, and moves on to the next season.
I was reminded of this episode when chatting with my cousin,
affected by Hurricane Irma. Who can be terrified by something named Irma? It
was a massive storm with a grandmother’s name. Irma was a big inconvenience to
many, deadly to some, destructive, and horrendously expensive, kind of like
cancer.
Panic is not an effective response to a hurricane. People
need to be able to think clearly - to evaluate their personal priorities and
threats, protect their property, avoid deep water, and seek shelter. So, naming
hurricanes not only helps to distinguish one from another, but gives people a
psychological advantage in difficult situations.
I’ve named my breast cancer Donald, in honor of the biggest
stressor of the last year, a scary presence, over which I have little control,
other than my personal response. I have chosen to resist this threat, but not
obsess over it. I will not panic; I will be strong. I will handle Donald the
way comedians do, by mocking him. I’ll also handle this threat as warriors
do, by fighting it.
And yes, I may sound flippant. My diagnosis won’t
change because of this – the cancer monster won't be offended and take revenge
because I didn’t give it enough respect. I have always respected this disease,
and I’m grieving the loss of a friend who recently died from esophageal cancer.
But Holly didn’t let cancer stop her feisty attitude, and neither will I. Every
cancer is different, and each story has a different ending or humans would give
up hope, and stop reading.
Cancer diagnosis and treatment is stressful. There are many
ways to relieve stress, and my favorite is laughter. The endorphins released by
a belly-laugh have got to be healthy.
The naming of Donald D. Lump has had multiple benefits. I
smiled during my first biopsy, at the thought of his squalling head getting
pierced by a needle. The doctor who came in with his serious ‘cancer’ face chuckled
and relaxed when I shared my attitude. People who don’t like to say words like
‘breast’ or ‘cancer’ (including me) are more comfortable talking about Donald.
And when Donald Jr. was discovered hiding behind dense tissue, I was ready for him
too. Hopefully Eric, Ivanka, etc. won’t be joining the party, but if they do,
they’ll be named.
The jokes and metaphors keep me smiling. Dump the Lump. Impeach the Lump. Trump the
Lump. Get his tiny hands off your girls! Donald will be tagged with a radioactive
tracer before the Pink Army goes in for a surgical strike. After that,
we’ll try chemical or nuclear weapons. If other cancer survivors want to
use the Donald metaphor, I won’t mind a bit. In fact, this might be a fitting tribute
to our misogynist-in-chief.
I realize I am extremely lucky – I can have this attitude
because Donald was caught early, before his tiny hands could invade more of my
body (we think). I live in a city not devastated by hurricane, or war, or
poverty, or fire, so the hospitals and doctors are ready with modern
treatments. I have insurance, savings, and a powerful support network of friends
and family. Part of my cheerfulness stems from survivor’s euphoria, recognizing
that I’ve had a close call, but should be okay after treatment.
Even if my diagnosis were more serious or my situation direr,
I would give my fear a funny name, and resist it, and keep treading water, and look for the
funny side, because there is almost always a funny side, as long as you are
alive. If MASH could make jokes about war for 11 years, I can make jokes about
cancer. I need to make jokes about cancer.
Remember Rudolph the Reindeer's friend, the dentist? Laughter and friendship can pull the teeth from a
monster, and defuse a bully. They are important weapons.